Better Than Better Than Life
by Draco the Lizard
Summary: The crew decides to land on a seemingly empty space station. This of course, does not go as planned. Contains a bit of CatLister slash. [Oneshot, expect no sequel]


Disclaimer: Grant and Naylor, not me.  
  
This fic contains light slash. (now 33 percent less slash than normal!) It has a Cat/Lister pairing. Because that makes sense. Well, to me anyway. Beta'ed by Little Moose, AKA Jo, a lovely girl who has made this fic better.

Better Than Better Than Life  
  
The plan had sounded easy enough when Kryten suggested it. He had spotted an abandoned space station not too far away, and assumed there would be some useful supplies to find. Lister and Cat had immediately agreed to visit it, mostly out of curiousity. It would also make a welcome change from the boring 'pilot Star Bug through space in search of Red Dwarf' routine they had gotten into. Rimmer had protested as usual, and was ignored and outvoted, as usual. So they had plotted a course to the station, after Kryten had double-checked it for lifeforms and he was 100% sure there wouldn't be any that could be a threat to the crew.  
  
Of course, nothing is ever as easy as it sounds, and computers don't come up on on scans for lifeforms. And this was the problem they had to deal with, a computer who assumed everyone who tried to come aboard the space station was an enemy.  
  
"Where's our car crash victim?" Cat asked, his eyes on one of the missiles the computer had send their way.  
  
"He's trying to establish a communication link with the station's computer, trying to convince it we're not dangerous." Lister replied, pushing buttons frantically.  
  
"And King of the flaring nostrils?"  
  
"Where d'you think he is?" Lister shouted back.  
  
Cat didn't reply, focused on the immediate threat. The bad thing was, the computer that was defending the space station had an excellent aim and it took all their experience from previous attacks to get through this. Kryten wasn't having any luck with the computer, but persisted anyway.  
  
The constant stress of it all eventually got to Cat. The station had managed to hit them a few times and it wasn't looking too good for them. "I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die and I didn't even get to wear my new ocean- blue suit with the lavender cufflinks! There's no justice!"  
  
"You're gonna be okay, you'll get to wear your suit, I promise." It was strange, but Lister still felt responsible for Cat. He had made a promise to Frankenstein to get her to Fiji, and he failed. So now he had made a new promise to himself to get her descendent to Fiji, or at least somewhere he could be happy. And he wasn't going to let Cat die in some stupid fight like this.  
  
It shut the Cat up for a bit, but he started again a few moments later after one of the missiles hit Starbug. "I'm gonna die!"  
  
"We're not, it didn't come anywhere near the fuel tank or anything of importance." They needed that fuel. In fact, they needed everything aboard the Bug, there were some bits and pieces they could do without for a bit, but without the fuel they'd be drifting aimlessly in space and could crash into anything. As long as Cat could keep his cool, they would be fine. Lister wasn't used to seeing Cat scared of anything. He had always thought Cat could handle anything the universe could throw at him, as long as he was wearing a fashionable suit. When even Cat got scared, it was really bad.  
  
"As long as it stays away from me, that's all I'm worried about!" Cat said, concentrating on guiding Starbug safely through the rain of missiles. Another hit almost made the two fall out of their chairs. "I'm gonna die! I'm gonna die, and I've never even kissed a girl! I'm gonna die a virgin! Even Goalpost Head had some lovin', and he's dead! It's a sad day when my lovelife pales in comparison to a dead guy's! A virgin! Never a kiss, never one good game of tonsil tennis!" Cat wailed loudly.  
  
"Alright, I can't help you lose your virginity, but I can help you with that first kiss of yours." With that, Lister almost launched himself at the Cat, who was caught by surprise. Lister's aiming skills were with him that moment, because he hit Cat's mouth perfectly with his own. The hit of another missile caused them to fall on the floor, and since Lister was holding onto Cat, they fell on the floor with Cat on top. The kiss continued, and Lister found his tongue going boldly where no tongue had gone before. It certainly felt different from kissing another human. The tongue felt different, slightly rougher but not at all unpleasant. Then there were the fangs. Lister thought this was probably how those young, nightie-clad virgins felt when they climbed out their windows at midnight, to snog some vampire on a misty graveyard.  
  
Suddenly, Cat jumped off, looking quite surprised. Not a moment later, Kryten walked in. "Ah, I see you are fine, sirs. I managed to convince the computer that we are quite harmless, and it will let us through now. I suggest we move quickly, Starbug is severely damaged."  
  
Lister nodded, hearing only half of it. "Uh-huh. Kryten, you go get Rimmer away from his blanket, me and Cat'll get steering."  
  
Kryten walked off and Cat and Lister looked at each other. "So, that's what kissing is? Exchanging slime and being pounced on?" Cat asked, dusting himself off.  
  
Lister nodded. He didn't really know why he had suddenly kissed Cat like that. Perhaps to shut him up. Perhaps to give him at least one kiss, just in case they wouldn't make it. Perhaps to satisfy a curiosity that had been with him ever since they had played Better Than Life and he and Cat had spent all their time together, instead of with a girl like Rimmer had done. "A first kiss is never great, always a bit messy. It takes practice and the right person to have a proper kiss."  
  
"Well, practice does make perfect." Cat shrugged, before pouncing on Lister and kissing him. Lister had to admit Cat wasn't the best kisser in the world, but the unlimited enthousiasm made up for it. A lot. The two were quite wrapped up, and didn't hear the other two enter.  
  
"For smeg's sake. Kryten, didn't I say we should've had him castrated when we had the chance?"


End file.
